Comparisons

Glad.

Choose your comparisons wisely

Many of our feelings of satisfaction or dissatisfaction have their roots in how we compare ourselves to others. When we compare ourselves to those who have more, we feel bad. When we compare ourselves to those who have less, we feel grateful. Even though the truth is we have exactly the same life either way, our feelings about life can vary tremendously based on who we compare ourselves with. Compare yourself with those examples that are meaningful but that make you feel comfortable with who you are and what you have.

Joe is the oldest of 6 brothers. The brothers range in age from 21 - 42. His family never had a lot of money, and the older brothers especically grew up in modest circumstances. When they finished high school, Joe and the two older bothers went to work. When the three younger bothers finished high school, however, they went to college. The older brothers feel like they missed out. Since financial aid wasn't as plentiful, they really didn't have a chance to get more education.

If they compare themselves to their younger brothers, Joe and the older brothers may feel disappointment and jealousy. They may ask, Why did they get the opportunities i did not? But if they compare themselves to many of their friends - men their age, men who had similar opportunities - the brothers see that they have more than most of their friends in terms of job satisfaction and a fulfilling family life.

Of course, Joe would gain no advantage by depriving his younger siblings of their opportunities. But he still feels bad when he compares himself to them. The answer, then, is not to make that comparison. The younger brothers grew up two decades later, in a different world and in many respects in a different family. Instead of disappointing themselves by making this comparison, Joe and the older brothers can feel good about both their younger brothers and themselves when they make a more realistic comparison to those who faced the same challenges as they did.

A large group of students was given a word puzzle to solve. Researchers compared the satisfaction of students who finished the puzzle quickly or more slowly. Students who finished the puzzle quickly and compared themselves with the very fastest students came away feeling dissatisfied with themselves. Students who finished the puzzle more slowly but compared themselves with the slowest students came away feeling quite satisfied with themselves and tended yo ignore the presence of the quick- finishing students.